Who Suffers When You Blame the Drinker?

Sally threw their wedding picture across the room at Sam.  The glass shattered against the door.  After a half-hearted apology, he sulked into the kitchen.  She was livid.  How could he come home drunk on her birthday?

The drinker’s behavior can be the stimulus

Something is said or done by the drinker; you have a negative reaction.  You may assume their words or behavior are about you.  You may take their words or action personally.  Words and actions from the drinker can be a stimulus that trigger a chain of events in your body.

You might wonder, “Why is this important to know?”  It may be a bit technical, but stay with me.  This understanding will serve you in the future.

Seconds after the stimulus, your body reacts as if it is in danger

When you verbally blame the drinker and get into an argument your response activates the amygdala in your brain and engages the sympathetic nervous system.  Your amygdala monitors perceptual input and is constantly on guard for life-threatening stimuli.

What you perceive as a sign of danger or threat, activates your amygdale which activates the sympathetic nervous system, resulting in a fight or flight stress response – heart rate increases, blood pressure goes up, breathing gets faster, muscles get tighter, and hands sweat more.   These are your warning signals.

This natural process engages the chemicals cortisol, adrenalin, and neoepinephrine to go flooding through your blood stream.  When these chemicals have been pulsating through your veins for a while, stopping this stress response is  difficult.  The longer it continues the more difficult it is for you to stop.

The natural defense mechanism of fight or flight fails to help you regain your emotional balance
Your body is designed to save your life in a life threatening emergency – the saber tooth tiger attack. Generally, blaming the drinker in an argument is not a life threatening emergency.  In the moment of blaming, your body may not be able to distinguish the difference between the argument you’re having with the drinker, and the attack from the saber tooth tiger. This can be a problem if you’re not aware it is happening to you.

Understanding the process is your first step towards stopping it

Once these chemicals are surging through your blood there is a decrease of electrical activity to your brain and your ability to think rationally is decreased.  Your reactions might make things worse if the event with the drinker does not require the same level of defense as the saber tooth tiger.

“But they are being cruel to me”

This may well be accurate.  However, your interpretation of the situation contributes to your seeing them as cruel.  Your interpretation may be colored by past events – either conditioning you to down play it or amplify it. If their behavior is cruel you send a message that deescalates the conflict, or risk escalating it.   If the drinker was going to change by your blaming it would have likely already happened. Your blaming keeps the conflict alive.

“But they need to take responsibility for hurting me; blaming is my way to get them to take responsibility”

When you blame you assume that the cause of your hurt is 1) outside of you, and 2) that they intended to hurt you as much as you feel hurt.  The assumption is deadly. First, because it triggers a physiologic process inside of you described above.  Second, when you continue to see the cause of your hurt as being outside of you, you’ll continue to look for the solution to your hurt outside of you.

You mistakenly believe that you alone do not have the power to improve your situation.
Blaming may temporarily feel enlivening, but it’s a stress response that will likely leave you with no resolution to your conflict with the drinker.

“But I feel good when I blame”

In the short term you may feel better.  First, you may enjoy the ‘rush’ of having the chemical rush of cortisol, adrenalin, and neoepinephrine flooding through your blood stream.    Second, you may believe that the hurt you feel is the drinker’s responsibility.  This is a big mistake for your own well being and your mental health.

When you blame the drinker for how you feel you grant the drinker power over your emotions.  Any good feelings you get from blaming fades over time and often you are left feeling self-righteous or helpless and vulnerable.  The problem is that the more you hold onto the blame the worse you feel.  And it’s not likely to improve until you change inside (i.e. let it go, change your focus, choose different priorities).  When you blame you keep yourself the victim.

Sally found her way out of blame and got Sam the help he needed

Initially, Sally felt self righteous for blaming Sam for his drinking at inappropriate times.  She felt her situation was almost unbearable. Before she was ready to leave Sam, she started a coaching program to focus on her choices in her relationship with Sam.  Slowly, she began to understand that blame really did not improve the situation with Sam and always it resulted in her feeling worse.

Her shift happened over several months.  Sally began to focus more on what was happening in her own body when she would have reactions to Sam’s drinking.  She went from feeling depressed because she saw only two choices (put up with Sam’s drinking or leave him) to feeling empowered because she saw there were many options available.

After she started feeling better about herself, she realized that the relationship and Sam were worth her saving.  She initiated the Invitational Intervention process, got supported in her family, and eventually Sam decided to go into treatment.

In Summary

The drinker’s behavior is a stimulus and your verbal blame the reaction that contributes to fueling the argument.  Blame is a warning that your body is ready to defend itself from a saber tooth tiger.  When you follow the instincts of your blame the result will likely be:
1)     a lack resolution (the situation may actually get worse)
2)    a continual feeling of hurt or anger
3)    your primitive instincts and physiologic reactions become habitual & override your brain

The next step is to increase your awareness of your body’s responses

The goal is to increase your awareness of this process and practice catching your reaction sooner and sooner.  When your awareness about your physiologic reactions increase you can use this info to turn the process around. You empower yourself when you pay attention to your body’s response, calm down, and utilize more of your rational thinking.

Here’s some suggestions:

• Acknowledge that blaming is a mistake
• Watch for warning signs that your physiologic system is being activated
• Don’t immediately correct an inaccurate statement of the drinker
• Be wary of feeling a strong desire to be understood by the drinker
• Watch for feeling your heart rate increase, increased anxiety, or physically warmer

If you become aware of blaming after-the-fact, take a break for 20-30 minutes.  Physically remove yourself from the situation, take full deep breaths into your belly, think of one part of your life that is working.

After successfully getting your mind off of the problem, you will be able to come back to it with rational thinking.  Come back to the situation when you have calmed yourself down.

Please feel free to pass this article on to anyone you believe would find this useful.

Jeff Jones MA, CACII
Addictions Counselor, Psychotherapist, Interventionist
Family in a Bottle: Help when Drinking is a Problem
www.familyinabottle.com