What if you were letting the problem drinker off easy?
You may feel ambivalent about initiating a conversation about their drinking. Or maybe you have already expressed how you’ve been affected and what you’d like them to change.
Would you like to feel better about the results?
Your actions communicate more than your words.
Some researchers put the level of nonverbal communication as high as 80 percent of all communication (Wikipedia.org). Your words are only 20% of the communication the problem drinker receives.
Sally gave it her best shot!
Sam’s drinking had been going on for too long. Sally found herself once again telling her husband that she was fed up with his drinking. She had tried numerous things: Telling him right away when he was drunk, waiting until the next morning, waiting until he was in a better mood, and just ignoring it.
None of them worked.
Sam had always stopped at the bar with friends after work on Fridays. But, after Sam and Sally’s daughter had died in a car accident, Sam’s after work stops at the bar increased.
What’s one thing that Sally just couldn’t do?
Yes, she told her husband she was fed up with his drinking. It resulted in another painful argument. She felt sad, hurt, and angry. Over time she began feeling hopeless, like she didn’t have any other choices.
She didn’t tell Sam what she would do differently the next time he comes home drunk.
Sally was down; she felt beaten. She was grieving the loss of their daughter and Sam wouldn’t talk about it. They had been married for 22 - mostly beautiful - years. She had opened her heart to Sam, now she couldn’t grieve the loss of their daughter with him.
Sally’s doing the very best she can given. . .
Sam drank to avoid the pain. Sally held the pain of a double loss (her daughter and husband). She was looking for support from her husband in grieving the loss of their daughter. Sam’s way of dealing with the loss of their daughter was his new relationship - with the bottle. Sally felt abandoned.
Start where you are at!
Take a piece of paper and at the top write:
- One thing you said (to yourself or out loud) that you would do because of the problem drinking.
Draw a vertical line down the middle, making two columns right next to each other. In separate columns, list:
- How is my behavior aligning with what I said I’d do?
- How is my behavior not aligning with what I said I’d do?
This is NOT the time to judge yourself harshly! This is a time to have a heart-to-heart with yourself. If you can turn off that “Black / White” side of your brain this exercise can expand your awareness, and give you a glimpse into how you may be perceived.
The writing of this list is a BIG acknowledgement! You are taking a step towards increasing your awareness of possibilities to effect change. Even a little bit is significant!
You have a better chance to change your behavior than changing the problem drinker.
The more you become aware of your behavior the easier it will be to start to make little changes. It’s a step towards taking action.
For many the old adage, “Lasting change happens one degree at a time” may be the easiest and most manageable method towards your words and your behavior aligning. Others may be in a situation where change needs to happen very quickly. Obviously, for different people and different situations the change process is different.
The point is that you increase your awareness about the gap
This is the gap between what you say you’ll do and what you do.
Then make a decision about your own behavior.
It’s extremely important that you’re gentle with yourself, give yourself some slack, and not criticize yourself. It’s also important to take an honest look into your situation and clearly identify options.
Yes, you have more than one! This is just brainstorming.
Being congruent - doing what you say you’ll do - communicates a powerful message.
You are congruent when your behavior and words align. The more your practice being congruent, ambivalence decreases. When you do what you say you’ll do you become stronger. Your self esteem increases. You take yourself serious and others do to.
What if I don’t do what I said I would do?
You’re not alone! When a family member’s drinking has gotten to problem levels, it’s quite difficult for other family members to become congruent with their behavior and words.
It’s not uncommon to be incongruent if you’re:
- Feeling torn between your head and your heart.
- Uncertain about what degree the drinking is a problem.
- Uncertain about how the drinker will react.
- Thinking that doing what you say could have negative consequences to you.
- Thinking that doing what you say could have negative consequences to the drinker.
However, when you’re not congruent with your words and actions, there’s probably a good reason. This reason may have prevented you from taking action for a long time. It’s important to uncover the reason or there will likely be little lasting change.
Whatever happened to Sam & Sally?
Sam’s increased stops at the bar after work went on for close to 2 years. He had never really grieved such a painful loss as the death of his only daughter. His grieving showed up as self medicating with alcohol, over time becoming dependent on regular stops at the bar, and alcohol. He hadn’t mentioned his daughter’s name in over a year.
Sally sank into a “learned helplessness” that often precludes action and invites depression.
Sally had tried to talk with Sam about the loss of their daughter and the drinking. It didn’t seem to help; talking directly seemed to make things worse. Sally came into counseling for depression and expected to be put on medication. In counseling, she started to grieve the loss of her daughter, and then the loss of the relationship with Sam.
Through counseling, she was gaining strength to initiate a conversation with Sam.
Sally began to see that she could only control herself. She saw that she couldn’t continue to cover up, make excuses for, and care take Sam. She started to see the little things she was doing that contributed to the problem. When she changed, the situation changed.
Sally finally initiated a long overdue conversation with Sam .
Of course, Sam didn’t immediately change the drinking habit. Unfortunately or fortunately, one night while Sam was driving home from the bar he got pulled over and arrested for Driving Under the Influence (DUI). That was the night that turned things around. The judge and the Division of Motor Vehicles had a barrage of requirements, one of which was losing his license for a year. Sam lost his job; Sally went back to work.
Sally used her new skills to support Sam to stop the drinking and grieve their daughters’ death.
Sally and Sam’s situation is not uncommon. Events in life are apt to change. When individuals and families don’t have strategies to deal with the change, it puts the whole family at risk. Sometimes outside systems - like the legal system - intervene.
Your behavior sends a message to the problem drinker.
To increase your awareness of your behavior and its effect on the problem drinking in the family try:
- The exercise mentioned under, “Start where you are.”
- Take a hard look at the gap between what you say you’ll do and what you do.
- Make a decision (little or big) about your own behavior.
- Try it out!
Sit with it a bit.
If this exercise is particularly difficult for you, you may want to take your time, go easy on yourself, and stay engaged with the exercise. If you would like, get a reality check.
Talk with a trusted friend or professional.
Please pass this article onto anyone you believe may benefit.
