Three defensive mechanisms that cause us to doubt drinking problems, and what to do about them.
You may see the drinking problem. You may think you have good reasons to not bring attention to it:
- “It’s not that big of a deal yet.”
- “They’re improving.”
- “If I confront the drinking, it will make it worse.”
- “I can avoid difficult arguments by not talking about it.”
It may seem easier for you when you doubt a drinking problem!
My story of doubting myself
It was early morning. I was driving to the Arkansas River for a quick day long river trip through the Royal Gorge. With a truck full of rafting gear, morning music filling my ears, a smile on my face driving down the highway, enjoying a magnificent Colorado sunrise, and - Bam! I was temporarily jolted and shocked by an incredibly loud noise. But I saw nothing that explained the noise. Was I not quite awake? Had I just imagined a noise? I wasn’t sure.
I couldn’t be sure what had caused the noise and was questioning myself if a noise had even occurred. The rafting gear blocked my back window, so I wondered if the noise was caused by my tailgate falling down. I pulled over and walked to the back of the truck. No problem! Was I going crazy? Where did the noise come from? Was there even a noise? I began doubting that I had ever heard a noise. It wasn’t until I was climbing back into my truck that I noticed cracked glass in the upper right corner of my windshield.
Slowly, my mind attempted to piece things together. I had driven under a bridge. Perhaps someone had dropped a grapefruit sized rock, or was it a meteor that dropped from the sky? Whatever hit my windshield caused the noise. Hmmm. . . I looked back at the bridge I had just driven under. I didn’t see anyone. Although I couldn’t be clear about the noise, it was blatantly obvious I had a freshly cracked windshield.
My mind attempted to take me out. The noise didn’t come out of thin air. But until I saw the cracked window, my mind created stories or rationalizations about whether I heard a noise or not. Doubting or denying can become habitual.
How does this relate to doubting a drinking problem?
The above story indicates how defense mechanisms played a large role in my thinking - doubting a problem (denial) and coming up with stories that explain away the problem (rationalization). Think what happens when a drinking habit is added to the mix. Since drinking causes physical changes in the brain, the potential for denial and other defense mechanisms increase.
The problem drinker or addict can distort the thinking process - use defensense mechanisms - deceive themselves, and others around them.
You may doubt a drinking problem if you are being convinced by an addictive thinker unconsciously or subconsciously utilizing common defense mechanisms.
First: Know what a defense mechanism looks like and sounds like.
Denial - discounting our own (or another’s) thoughts or feelings finding them too painful to consider. This defense distorts reality, keeping us from feeling the uncomfortable truth about things we do not want to face. If we cannot feel or see the consequences of our actions, then we can believe everything is fine when it isn’t.
Rationalization - thoughts or feelings we find unacceptable are explained in a seemingly rational or logical manner. However, the explanation avoids or excludes the thoughts, feelings, or behavior in question. Rationalizations divert attention from what we deny.
Projection - unacceptable or unwanted thoughts, feelings, or behaviors in oneself is seen and attributed to others. This can look and sound like blame. The one blaming, denies his/her own responsibility.
Second: These defense mechanisms operate simultaneously in the same person. Projection and rationalization work together to keep that which is being denied out of awareness. Remember these defense mechanisms are unconscious or subconscious.
Third: Your defense mechanisms are impacted by their defense mechanisms.
Both the drinker and the family members have defense mechanisms that operate around the problem drinking. In a sense, there are unspoken “rules” about whose defense mechanism is going to take precedence when. A pattern develops that works for some things and doesn’t for other things. Add increased drinking to the mix and it becomes clear that the pattern that seemed to work really doesn’t. However, it’s hard to admit.
So, how can you spot defense mechanisms?
When problem drinking activates the defense mechanisms, personal responsibility for drinking decreases and defense mechanisms that deny the problem increases. Since it may be hard to tell, here’s some suggestions:
- If a person is using more than one reason for drinking, you may suspect that a rationalization is present. Beware a rationalization may sound plausible; anyone can be taken in by them.
- If you’re wondering if you’re in the midst of defense mechanisms, you probably are. First, consider your own thinking and to what degree your own defense mechanisms are operating and being affected by the drinker.
Aren’t defense mechanisms operating in most people?
Probably! Although, having defense mechanisms is not the issue. The issues are:
- Problem drinking (or any substance abuse) can over-employ the defense mechanisms, limiting one’s own ability to be aware of the problem.
- Family members can swing between making excuses for and defending the problem drinker, to avoiding the problem (rationalizing), or blaming and escalating arguments with the problem drinker (projection).
- Defense mechanisms have a tendency to increase with continued substance abuse.
How can you tell to what degree your own defense mechanisms are operating?
First, I want to be clear that when our defense mechanisms are operating it’s not a sign of weakness or failure; it’s not a diagnosable condition to cause worry. However, it is important to understand our own defense mechanism and how it works; when we don’t, we are limited by them. Our defense mechanisms limit what we will accept, what we think we deserve, what we think we can do, and what we think we can have. To grow, we constantly challenge our own defense mechanisms. When we stretch from our own limiting thinking, the world around us expands creating options we never considered.
Betty made some changes (not her real name)
Betty and Bill had been married for 19 years when they went through recovery together. They both know the walk and talk of using and sobriety, not just intellectually, but experientially. Betty and Bill had a fantastic recovery story and fulfilling life. They were successful in many ways - a successful business, 2 children, and a lavish life. About 2 years ago, Betty states, “Bill started changing” (pulling away emotionally, staying out all night, responsibilities at work went undone). Initially, Betty took over more responsibilities at work. Eventually, she noticed other changes (phone calls at odd hours then Bill would have to leave for a while, drug paraphernalia in his jacket pocket and in his car). Clues to Bill’s behavior would keep presenting themselves; Betty minimized the problem to people at work and to her friends.
Her defense mehcanisms played off Bill’s defense mechanisms - denying the problem. Eventually, she admitted it to herself. Eventually, she came into counseling, increased her strength and confidence, and coordinated an intervention for Bill to go into treatment.
Bill’s out of treatment. It’s not a silver bullet absolute solution for the future. However, Betty is getting clearer about her needs in the relationship and her future. Betty took a very difficult action out of love to support her husband’s sobriety from drugs.
You can do this too!
Possible thinking problems due to defense mechanisims:
- 1) You may doubt a drinking problem if you are being convinced by the problem drinker.
- 2) Alcohol makes the brain more vulnerable to using all the defense mechanisms on themselves and others.
- 3) Denial may keep you from feeling the uncomfortable truth about things you do not want to face - example: the drinking is in fact a problem!
- 4) Rationalizations divert attention from what we deny.
- 5) Your actions coming from love may include denial of a drinking problem.
- 6) Rationalization and projection keep what’s being denied unconscious.
Remember the cracked windshield right in front of my face?
In my little story at the beginning of this article, I heard a very loud noise, I didn’t see the grapefruit sized crack in my windshield, when I didn’t see an explanation for the noise I began to doubt (denial) a noise even happened and started to make up stories (rationalizations) about what had happened. Without my conscious consent, my mind took me out - automatic defense mechanisms temporarily made it easy for me to deny a problem. My story had few consequences.
When it comes to a drinking problem the consequences are much more significant.
- Go a little deeper. Check for potential defense mechanisms operating in you.
- Get a reality check from a trusted friend or family member.
- Change what you think and do.
- Reach out for support.
- Reach out for objective support.
- Subscribe to my newsletter.
Please feel free to share this article with anyone who you believe can benefit.
