How to stop biting your tongue when someone you love is drinking
It was the third night this week that Mary sat at home worrying when George would get home. She knew he was out with friends, but these were friends she didn’t know. Secretly, she feared they were drinking friends. She didn’t want to think that George’s drinking had gotten to problem or even alcoholic proportions. She feared talking to him about the drinking. She felt scared and alone.
How many times have you kept quiet when deep down inside you knew there was a problem? It can be excruciatingly painful when you don’t trust what you know. This mistrust can become contagious. When you don’t trust yourself in one area, the ‘not trusting’ can spread to other areas of your life.
If this sounds familiar, I’m guessing that you have some very good reasons for keeping your fears at arm’s length – money and kids seem to be at the top of many a list. Over time, carrying this burden can lead to some difficulty for you – years of mental anguish and possible physical ailments.
Maybe you’ve thought about fixing the problem. Yes, I’m talking about the problem of hiding the drinking problem.
Are you ready to explore your inner knowing about the drinking problem?
You may be wondering what I mean by “explore your inner knowing.” It’s that little part inside your mind that records the facts with objectivity and, every now and then, whispers this wisdom to you without the emotion or story. The story I’m referring to is the story that runs nonstop in the privacy of your mind.
For Mary, the story that ran in her mind was “I know George’s drinking is out of control, but I’m scared to tell him directly because he’ll leave me.” This is the story that initially kept Mary from talking directly with George about his drinking. This is the story that covered her inner knowing.
How can you tell what part of your story is accurate?
Be careful! Your mind may be giving you contradictory messages. One of these messages may be a rationalization. A rationalization denies the problem and makes excuses about why the problem is not really a problem. The rationalization has a tendency to provide excuses for not taking appropriate action and minimizes what your inner knowing has been whispering to you.
”Why break the silence?”
First, it takes a lot of energy to keep the secret. Holding the secret drains your emotional and mental energy. It’s drained by fear. It’s a fear that “things could be worse” and fear of the unknown.
The reason to break the silence is to focus your energy towards a positive result for you, your family, and ultimately the problem drinker or user.
When you break the silence, you no longer need to shrink from the truth or keep pretending that there is not a problem. The story is the rationalization, and the pretending is about believing the rationalization. The pretending drains your energy. When you break the silence, you put the truth on the table.
In the process, you grow stronger. By taking little actions in ways that align with your inner knowing, you start to empower yourself. I understand that it may not seem like it now, but as the process of empowering yourself unfolds, you will view your life from a much more hopeful perspective.
No more doormat routine.
Show up authentically and speak your truth
When you show up authentically, you’ve gotten real with yourself about the drinking problem, what you need relative to the drinking, and what you’re willing to do to get those needs met. You can’t control the actions of another; you do have a choice about what you do. In general, the choice is between the rationalization and the inner knowing.
If you’re ready to share what you need relative to the drinking, consider these three steps beforehand:
- 1) Clarify how you feel about the drinking and what you need in relation to the drinking.
- 2) Identify clear, specific requests that, when fulfilled, will meet your needs.
- 3) Let your inner knowing be your guide.
The more connection you have with your inner knowing, the more you will feel emotionally solid, and the more calm confidence will come across in your voice.
“Is it really possible to have an honest, authentic conversation with the problem drinker?”
The conversation we’re talking about is you being honest and authentic – first with yourself, then with the problem drinker. What’s different about this conversation is your stance in the conversation comes from your inner knowing about the problem. It’s not attacking; it’s not approval seeking. It’s about your emotionally stable, honest, authentic expression of your needs and making concrete requests.
Whatever happened to Mary?
Mary had thought about the drinking problem for a very long time. Sometimes she had tried to express her concerns to George. It did not go well, and she was reluctant to try again. When Mary came into counseling, she reported being overwhelmed, tired, and depressed. After 8 sessions, she had regained her confidence, found her strength, and had an honest conversation with George where she expressed her concerns and requested that he get help. At last report, George had gone into treatment.
Know these three steps to authentically addressing the drinking problem:
- 1) Clarify how you feel about the drinking and what you need in relation to the drinking.
- 2) Identify clear, specific requests that, when fulfilled, will meet your needs.
- 3) Let your inner knowing be your guide.
Are you ready to fix the problem of hiding the drinking problem? Are you ready to get real and address the problem? Are you ready to show up authentically?
Can you answer yes to the three questions above?
If not, know that there is support to assist you in sorting through and figuring out your best options.
You progress at a pace that is right for you.
In person counseling or coaching over the phone are both options to assist you showing up authentically and speaking your truth about the drinking problem.
Jeff Jones MA, CACII
Certified Addictions Counselor
Family in a Bottle: Help when Drinking is a Problem
www.familyinabottle.com
