How your “rules” about living with an alcoholic can make your life more difficult

Betty has put up with Bill’s drinking for over 10 years.  She knows Bill doesn’t like her to talk to him about his drinking.  Mostly she keeps her feelings and thoughts about his drinking private.  However, before her family reunion she pleaded with Bill not to drink, or at least not get drunk.  Although it seemed like a request at the time, in her mind, Betty created a rule that Bill not embarrass her by getting drunk at the upcoming family reunion.

Let’s be clear about the definition of a rule.

A rule is any expectation you have for how something should turn out or how someone should act or behave. It’s purposely a broad definition.  If you have a rule with the drinker that they cannot drink at certain times or places, know that you cannot enforce this rule.  Why?  It’s unenforceable because you do not have control over what they do. 

You may have made a rule that is unenforceable. 

When you have a preference about the drinking of a family member, help may look as simple as expressing what you see as a problem and suggesting new behavior.  However, if in your own mind you have the an expectation that your ‘expressing’ or ‘suggesting’ will hopefully lead to follow through, you could be setting yourself up for increased conflict – first inner conflict in your own mind, second interpersonal conflict between you and the drinker. 

There are different degrees of unenforceable rules.

A request is a verbal expression of your hope, knowing you’ll be okay if your request is not honored, and a demand is an expectation that turns into an unenforceable rule, which if not met may leave you with an emotional toll.  Like Betty, you might make a request of the drinker and fully know that you do not have the power to enforce it.  However, the clincher is, can you let it go?  Or does an unfulfilled request linger in your mind?

Be clear within yourself what degree of rule you create.

If you have created an unenforceable rule in your thinking, communicated it, and have hopes of the drinker changing to align with your suggestion, the outcome may be less than fulfilling.  It may seem like the drinker rarely takes your suggestions. 

Examples of degrees of rules you may create.

Examples of preferences you might express:

• “I’d like it if you have only two beers at the reunion.”
• “I don’t want you to drink at the reunion.”

Examples of expectations that have turned into unenforceable rules:

• “Promise me, you will only have two beers at the reunion.”
• “I don’t want you to drink at the reunion.”

Examples of enforceable rules:

• “If you get drunk at the reunion, you’ll need to find your own ride home.”
• “If you get drunk at the reunion, I’ll . . .”

Trying to enforce unenforceable rules add to your inner conflict (as well as interpersonal conflict).

There is a specific way of thinking that takes hold when you see the abusive drinking of a loved one and have feelings about it, and then wish to help them change it.  The thinking process that ends with unenforceable rules starts with a preference that has turned into an expectation. 

When you take your internal thoughts about the drinking and express them as an expectation you may have unknowingly polarized yourself with the drinker.  It’s likely that interpersonal conflict with the drinker will result. 

Enforce only those things you have control over and your life will include less conflict.

“But I really want them to stop drinking.”

How you communicate about what you want is key.  However, if you make a rule that you do not have the power to enforce, there are two problems: 1) you will likely feel poorly trying to enforce the unenforceable rule and 2) you send the message that your word is not important.  Let your rules be about specifically what you will do when there is specific level of drinking.

“So, how can I help?”

Letting the drinker know what you want from them is not the problem.  The problem is letting them know what you want, in the form of a rule and then making it into an expectation in your mind.  The more you try to enforce something that you do not have control over the worse you will feel. 

You can best help by creating rules that you can follow through with.

It’s an easy concept to understand; it may be more difficult to practice.

After coming into counseling, Betty started to pay attention to the self talk that goes through her head during the day and was surprised at how often she worried about Bill’s drinking.  She had asked him to stop drinking many times, now she realized that her “asking” was in her mind an expectation, and when he didn’t stop her anxiety about the drinking would increase. 

Over time, she got better at catching her expectation before expressing it to Bill.  Her self-talk became less about the drinking and more about catching her own expectations before they turned into unenforceable rules.  When Betty’s rules changed from putting expectations onto Bill to clearly communicating expectations she had of herself about the drinking, her life became much less complicated.

In short

In the privacy of your mind, your preference about the drinking can turn into an expectation and eventually an unenforceable rule.  This leads to increased inner conflict in your own head, as well as external conflict between you and the drinker. 

Going forward

The first step is to recognize your unenforceable rules.  When you realize that you make unenforceable rules you take back some of the power you have given to others to hurt you.  Next you can construct rules that will lead to more peace with a greater ability to manage your emotions.  With more peace and greater coping with your emotions you will have more energy for improved judgment.